The Lauren Commission

The Future is Alive and Well in the 90s

2011-04-18T20:41:00.000-07:00

The future has always been a rich subject for the arts. In the future, anything is possible™, a fact that creatives have taken advantage of for ages. The hope of fantastical times to come has been the bread n' butter of Isaac Asimov, Orson Scott Card, and anyone who makes their living doing airbrush art at the State Fair.

However, it has recently come to my attention that the most perfect artistic interpretation of the future occurred not in the mind of Gene Roddenberry, but rather on the sets of 90s music videos.

Ah yes, the 90s, specifically that late 90s era of boy bands. It was a time of boundless hope and optimism. The Willenium was upon us, and even the likes of Joey "Fat One" Fatone were idealizing the perfect future. Between cocaine sneezes, label executives realized the potential possible with this imagery. This is a predominant theme in this era of video music (thanks VMAs) entertainment. But have any of these technological prophecies come to be over a decade later? Let's see.

Eiffel 65 - Blue

Perhaps you saw this video when it was originally gifted to the world. If so, I implore you to watch it again. It has aged like a fine milk left next to the furnace for over a decade. The producers appear to have hired very talented designers to create the generic alien mouth movement that works strikingly well with Eiffel 65's libretto.

The video's main theme is the artists' struggle with their fanbase made entirely of shittily-animated aliens. They obviously should have appreciated their fans instead of shooting plasma balls at them (@1:34), hence why their career has faltered.

ETA FOR THIS TECHNOLOGY: Only Eiffel 65 knows, because they must know when those aliens are coming back.

Five - When the Lights Go Out

Eternal pop heroes Five (sometimes credited as 5ive, because the number 5 looks a lot like an F) approach this theme with an Orwellian angle. Our heroine is subjected to, nay, treated to the band's emotionally-charged smash hit "When the Lights Go Out" via a interactive virtual reality rig on a set that looks like it cost production at least $100. The idea is that, in the future, women will be able to gaze upon the handsome Richard AKA the old one (seriously @ 1:08, he looks just like a dad. who wears a golf shirt in a music video?) in the comfort of their own modified dentist chair.

ETA FOR THIS TECHNOLOGY: 2012. It's basically a PSP suspended over a chair. Somebody please build it. Although first we must locate the remaining members of 5ive. Your local Winchell's might be a good place to check.

N*Sync - I Want You Back

Let me set the scene for you: a lonely yellow-clad woman is stranded in a dissolving hologram world in space. The mighty lads of N*Sync are on a spaceship, and at computer consoles, not really doing anything apparent to help said trapped woman (Lance, I'm looking at you!)

Honestly, I don't even know what's happening here. Sadly their entire budget was squandered on CG and the tightest Lycra tops money could buy. Apparently JC Chasez was left to choreograph the entire mess himself (go to 2:40 for some supreme jellyfish arms. You won't regret it.) I can only imagine Ron Pearlman was watching off-set the whole time, licking his lard-covered lips.

ETA FOR THIS TECHNOLOGY: Just as soon as we can shoot all of the members of N*Sync into space. Lance already tried, come on guys!

This blog post has been brought to you by Sisqo for Pepsi...IN THE FUTURE!

2010: Looking back at a year that barely mattered

2010-12-27T09:58:00.000-08:00

As the twilight of the year sets upon us, I always get a titch nostalgic before I remember that nostalgia is only for old people and people who wear t-shirts with 80s references. Regardless, walking among the whispering snowdrifts and the whispering bushes of Loring Park, I can't help but look back fondly on a year where nothing of great importance happened.

Olympic Games
The year started out with a bang, that bang eminating from my skull after it collided with the tiled kitchen floor after passing out from boredom resultant from watching the Winter Olympics. The countries of the world gathered in peaceful camraderie in Vancouver as a reflection of international cooperation and competitive ice-dancing. Matt Lauer narrated over 3,500 hours of gripping life stories of eastern European athletes. Millions of hipsters reveled in watching curling ironically. After the month-long celebration of peace, everyone joyfully went back to hating each other.

Oil Spill
The most significant thing to happen in American industry in 2010 was caused when Brandon Davis (brother of Rehab star Jason Davis) went for a swim in the gulf. The man himself is responsible for providing hair and body grease for the entire country of Estonia.

This was made infinitely more significant to me by the fact that it began the day I started my job at Sony Pictures. This was endlessly helpful to me, as the 24-hour news cycle constantly provided me with a counter to number the days since the spill, hence the days since I began my job. That 90-day probationary period lasts FOREVER and I got bored of counting the days myself.

World Cup
For a brief month in the hot heaty heat of June, sports fans around the country delighted in pretending to love soccer (aka European football). Team stats for countries that fans had only just learned existed were exchanged with giddy delight over "pints" of "ale" at "pubs". Americans basked in the brief opportunity of being able to watch tanned and waxed European men run around under the sun guilt-free. Some country in Europe won, and millions of newly-minted soccer fans placidly packed away their overpriced official FIFA gear until the next World Cup, content to not talk about soccer for another four years.

Politics
A few heathcare provisions passed, but nobody is happy and nothing else really got done. The People rose up against the unwavering dictatorial powerhouse that is the First Lady, raising a greasy fist against her punishable-by-death mandate that all schoolchildren must drink a quart of wheatgrass every day while reading Critique of Hegel's Philosophy of Right. The will of the fat remains strong. The photo at left shows this tyranny in action.

Lady Gaga
The lady continued to subvert cultural norms by being the most popular and mainstream pop star in the world. She taught us that mass murder is awesome (as long as Tyrese is among those being murdered) and jail is full of hot lesbians who take choreography lessons. She went where no pop star has gone before by fearlessly endorsing Virgin Mobile and HP in studded-leather thongs and bras while empowering her devoted "little monsters" to be themselves. Additionally, she introduced us to the piece of skin right above the thigh and next to the pelvis, which has since been dubbed the "italian triangle" by the New England Journal of Medicine.

What was YOUR favorite 2010 moment?

Teen Mom Photoshop

2010-10-19T16:07:00.000-07:00

Kyle from MTV's Teen Mom has a head like a toe. This is a fact.

Starbucks is the coldest place in Pasadena

2010-01-28T18:08:00.000-08:00

Using the internet at our friendly local Starbucks affiliate while I wait for Patrick to come pick me up. Despite the weather outside being a gorgeous 60-something degrees, it's about 14 degrees in here, which pretty much just makes me feel like I'm back in Minneapolis. Perhaps these lovers-of-chill here should switch places with some pasty Minnesotans for a while so they can appreciate each others' climes. It will be just like the movie Trading Places, except Eddie Murphy is everyone in Minnesota and Wall Street is Southern California, and there are no orange juice futures involved.

Speaking of oranges, I saw a truck full of 'em driving down the freeway today. I had to do a double take because at first I thought it was just a regular truck with oranges painted on it. I guess I have to get used to trucks hauling something other than sugarbeets here.

Pasadena is really nice. We have a great view of the San Gabriel Mountains off our back porch and at night we can see some of the twinkling lights of the downtown area through the palm trees on our street. We went to downtown Pasadena yesterday and I thought I saw Kate Winslet, but chances are it was just a blonde lady. I discovered I live about a mile away from a Tiffany&Co., among other fancypants stores I can't afford. Still need to scope out the Pasadena Recovery Center so I can give my best to Dr. Drew and Jeff Conway.

Left: Dr. Drew doing his best "I Really Care" face.

Looking Back at The Zeroes

2009-12-15T14:08:00.001-08:00

With a mere 2-odd weeks til 2010, I find myself reflecting back on a decade which we still haven't given a decent name to after a whole 10 years to figure it out (the 2000's? the naughts? the zeros?).

The decade started off with the Y2K scare (accurately portrayed in this snowglobe), under which we all anxiously awaited the stroke of midnight 01-01-00, at which time all components of our computer (including the mouse! how did that get in there?) would explode through the top of the monitor as it simultaneously displayed the date against a rainbow background. Disappointingly, this didn't happen. It did, however, set the tone for a decade of cheeziness.

Behold the king and queen of the 2000s. Looking at this picture, it's hard to believe that Justin Timberlake now passes as one of the coolest guys in the world and, if I recall correctly, he may even be the "sexiest man alive". I'm racking my brain to remember if this getup might have been cool at the time, but all possible coolness is instantly negated by the fact that they are wearing freaking matching denim outfits. Simultaneously, it's hard to believe that the decade for Brit Brit was only downhill from here.

I remember "dress-down" days at my Catholic school were celebrated occasions where we children could shed our blue-checkered uniform for a day and strut down the corridors in our coolest Tommy Hillfiger/Limited Too/FUBU gear. This scene could not have been complete without JNCO jeans and the countless variations of "fat pants" that spun off of them. They were a godsend for sufferers of elephantiasis of the legs, but they just made everyone else look fat and stupid.

The soundtrack of the decade started off with a bang, that bang eminating from the turntable of a (most likely white) DJ from one the early part of the decade's great Rap/Rock bands. At some great moment lost to time, angry white boys from the suburbs discovered that they could add a turntable to their band and start rapping instead of singing, and BAM! Next thing you know they're talking to Carson Daly about their upcoming Family Values Tour dates. Rap/Rock was supposed to be the ultimate hybrid of two superpower music genres, but a decade later I'm still waiting for the next album from Korn/CrazyTown/Limp Bizkit. What's takin so long you guyz??

In the midst of all that Rap/Rock madness on TRL, MTV decided to hold a contest called "I wanna be a VJ" or something to that effect. To everyone's surprise, an anorexic muppet named Jesse Camp (above) took home the big prize. He hosted TRL, made a music video, and even recorded a song with Stevie Nicks before the Jim Henson workshop called and asked if he was in their lost and found. He mysteriously disappeared off the air not long after he won the show, never to be seen again. To this day, it is the greatest mystery of the 2000s.

Carson Daly remains at large.

The Great Minnesota Get (fat)-Together!

2009-09-02T15:56:00.000-07:00

Obama's birth certificate carefully rendered in seeds. Ah, culture! Too bad I only had my cell phone so you can't see the wonderful mung bean work on the seal.

I've never really looked at the seed art exhibit at the fair, but was very impressed by a portrait of Thelonious Monk done mostly in kidney beans and one man's self-portrait of himself, Nancy Reagan, Laura Bush, a monkey and a parrot. The arts are alive and well at the State Fair.

I Love Stock Photography, Pt 2

2009-08-31T19:14:00.001-07:00

I have mentioned before that my job requires me to carouse the dirty streets of Shutterstock quite frequently, with hilarious results.

One of my last jobs required me to find a picture of a "female doctor". This should not be so difficult. My exact search query was "female doctor".

This photo is titled "Young angry doctor with axe". I had to include the title so you would be aware that the submitter wanted us to know that this woman is, specifically, a doctor. My doctor is usually a 22-year old with a pink nightie and flip flops, so this makes perfect sense. My doctor is also Kevorkian's sexy granddaughter.

Gotta love these two bananas!

This one is simply titled "Bad Diagnosis". The doctor isn't pictured, but I guess we're to assume that a female doctor is breaking the bad news. Just what is the bad news? Acne? Underbite? Lupus? Grey shirt? The possibilities are endless!

This whole Biking Fashion thing is getting on my nerves

2009-08-31T09:36:00.000-07:00

I have no "beef" per se with biking. I love to bike, I own two of the contraptions myself. Barreling down a craggy mountain path between fir trees on my Schwinn is probably what I'd rather be doing right now than typing this blog entry. Biking is fun, an effective way to get around, and good exercise as well. All in all, you can't say many negative things about the sport. As with all good things though, they can be utterly ruined by fashion, as has happened with biking.

I live in uptown Minneapolis, which is the hub of the monied hipsters of the city. They can stop at American Apparel for a $40 v-neck, get the new Vampire Weekend CD at Cheapo (more like Expensiveo, amirite??), and finish it off with a smooth $5 tap at the Uptown Bar. How they move around within this mecca of capitalized fashion is via their "fixies" or bikes that they "built" themselves. Now, here is where I start to have some beef. You didn't really "build" a bike if you just put together parts of other bikes. That's called "assembling", not "building". If you start wielding together that frame yourself, well then now we got something.

My alter-hipster ego, "Lauryn", wants to talk.

Now you can't build your fixie with brakes or reflectors, because that is just so like not indie man. It's preferable if you also bike wearing black so that no motorist or pedestrian can see your magnificently cool machine until you're 5 feet away. Be sure to shoot them a dirty look for not seeing you! God, motorists are such assholes. They like, are bad for the environment and stuff and are capitalist.

And they like, drive their cars ALL year man. My mom bought me this Taurus so I don't get frostbite biking in the winter but come on you tools, BIKE AS MUCH AS I DO SO I CAN STOP HARASSING YOU!

Oh, and fixed gears are WAY better than multi-speeds because you like, build them yourself out of other bikes that used to be multi-speed, but yeah, now they're way better because it takes a lot more work to get them up to speed. Where are you in a hurry to get to? YOUR JOB?? Yeah I work part-time at the Jimmy John's and that pays for my bike upgrades (just bought a sweet new colored bike chain!) and the headbands I need. Yeah, I totally pay for my rent, bike and everything with that job. Don't you dare suggest I get money from my parents in the suburbs, GOD!! I also just bought a sticker for it that says "One Less Car", that will really piss off those car-people!

Oh yeah, don't forget about the uniform! You can't be seen biking without your uniform. Be sure to roll up your right pant leg (doesn't matter if the pants are tight, this is the rule), and have a bandana SOMEWHERE on you. You know, you are working hard and need to wipe off your Surly beer-flavored sweat. Get a caribeener from The North Face to put your keys on so people can hear you walking up from 20 feet away. Remember: wallet chains are out, caribeeners are in. And to carry around your iPod/MacBook/Chuck Klosterman book you will need a Timbuk2 or Metro (starts at about $100) brand messenger bag ONLY. Is that a Jansport backpack? You're out of the bike club. Get some more tattoos and money and come back when you're REALLY ready to be indie.

And GOD its not about FASHION its about the MOVEMENT! Now we gotta get going to The Alt so I can make sure my turquoise tires get here in time for Critical Mass!

Yeah man, I totally can't afford rent right now, I just gotta spend like $150 at The Alt first.

In a perfect world...

2009-08-31T09:08:00.001-07:00

Favorite Sandwiches: Part 2

2009-07-28T14:27:00.000-07:00

Today’s sandwich comes from the ass-backwards suburb of Lilydale, Minnesota (pop 552). According to Wikipedia, the population is 95% white, so I guess the moniker is fitting. I would normally never go to such a loser-y town, but it’s right by my work and is home to a great Italian deli, which is home to an even greater sandwich.

Behold! The North Beach sandwich from Buon Giorno. Now, someone told me that there are two restaurants named Buon Giorno, so make sure you don’t go to the other one because it probably blows. This delicacy is a delightful mélange of turkey, bacon, lettuce, tomato, aioli, and fontina cheese on a fresh roll. It’s not as greasy as the Caffrey’s veggie, but be warned that one ‘wich is the size of a premature baby. I don’t think I could eat a whole premature baby, but sometimes I can eat a whole North Beach if I’m really hungry.

I must note that right down the road from Buon Giorno is a gay cruising spot that my co-worker discovered one fine day while exploring the wilds of Lilydale. Nothing like a breezy summer day with a tasty sandwich, watching gay men giving each other secret signals and then walking into the woods, hand in hand.

Cherry on a Modern Art Sculpture

2009-07-26T08:12:00.000-07:00

The Minneapolis Sculpture Garden is a large park right outside of downtown filled to the brim with lovely postmodern sculpture that the uneducated demand their children could make. In response to them, I say that the most their children can make is a snotty kleenex. If they want to make that into some kind of Dada sculpture piece, that's up to them.

The centerpiece of the sculpture garden is "Spoonbridge", better known as "The Cherry on the Spoon" sculpture. It has, for some reason, become a symbol of the city (as seen in the above postcard). This is probably due to Minneapolis's booming spoon, cherry, and modern art industries.

I realized the other day that if you were to remove the cherry, it's easy to see that the spoon is bent in such a way that eating your average bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios would be a major chore.
Who eats cherries with a spoon anyway? And doesn't the position of the cherry defy the laws of physics? I should also note that water sprays out of the top of the cherry stem. Totally unrealistic. It's about time someone delivered a critique to The City of Lakes's most beloved giant sculpture piece.

Favorite Sandwiches: Part 1

2009-07-24T09:34:00.001-07:00

I love sandwiches. They are pretty much the greatest on-the-go food item ever devised, right behind Go-Gurt and bananas. Contrary to popular belief, sandwiches were NOT invented by the Earl of Sandwich, he just named them. Does anybody really think that until the 17th century nobody had the idea to put tasty shit between bread?

The answer is NO!!!!! Centuries of sandwich cuisine have culminated in these: LAUREN'S FAVORITE SANDWICHES. And don't think I don't know anything about food. I've eaten reindeer in Stockholm, fresh clams on the coast of the North Sea in The Netherlands, and I know what arugula is! You should trust my judgment here.

Today's sandwich comes from Caffrey's Deli on Lyndale. For the past 3 years, I have been depending on them to send dirty hippies in shitty cars to my house at 2am to bring me THIS:

This beaut. the Veggie Sandwich (#1 on the menu) is a combination of cucumbers, tomatoes, onions, roasted peppers, lettuce, muenster, provolone, and mayo. I don't get it with oil and vinegar because that turns it into a floppy, nasty bread rag filled with produce. Plus, even though technically a veggie sandwich should be "healthy", take note of the grease stain to the north of the sandwich. Mmm.

It's probably actually not that healthy, and I bet that annoying fat guy from the food network would LOVE it.

I can't watch his show, "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives" without getting nauseous. Every episode features him eating Billy's Famous 2-Pound Double Jalapeno Cheddar Cheese Shit Burger or whatever, and getting disgustingly sweaty while doing so (see above). It's pretty much the same as going to the Old Country Buffet in Coon Rapids on a Friday night and sitting next to the Nascar table.

But yeah, that's a good sandwich.

I Love Stock Photos!

2009-07-24T09:17:00.000-07:00

I work for a company that makes computer training courses. Sometimes, my job is to sometimes create/find graphics for the latest "General Lightbulb Co.: Sexual Harassment Policy" course or whatever the new compulsory businessland training du jour is.

Usually the client will request something like "please put a picture of an old woman here" or something equally vague. It's then when I get to turn to my ultimate bag of tricks - STOCK PHOTOGRAPHY!

If you are unaware, stock photography is an industry dedicated to creating millions of photographs that are just ambiguous enough in subject matter to be used and purchased for pretty much anything.

That last query was real, and here's some of the gems I dredged up:
I think this photo was put out there to quell all those requests for erotic old lady stock photos. Success?I believe this is from their "Florida Retirees on the Edge of Death" series.This picture reflects the tragedy of senior dementia.
My favorite senior model returns for a "gonna fuck you up" series.

I Have a Blog!

2009-04-27T22:35:00.000-07:00

The main reason I have waited so long to start a blog is that I couldn't think of a title that speaks of my love for A)Myself and B)The Kennedy Assassination. That was a joke.

I'm in San Francisco right now, but when I get back home to the City of Dreams (Minneapolis), I'm going to detail my five favorite sandwiches in the city. Stay tuned!