I have no "beef" per se with biking. I love to bike, I own two of the contraptions myself. Barreling down a craggy mountain path between fir trees on my Schwinn is probably what I'd rather be doing right now than typing this blog entry. Biking is fun, an effective way to get around, and good exercise as well. All in all, you can't say many negative things about the sport. As with all good things though, they can be utterly ruined by fashion, as has happened with biking.
I live in uptown Minneapolis, which is the hub of the monied hipsters of the city. They can stop at American Apparel for a $40 v-neck, get the new Vampire Weekend CD at Cheapo (more like Expensiveo, amirite??), and finish it off with a smooth $5 tap at the Uptown Bar. How they move around within this mecca of capitalized fashion is via their "fixies" or bikes that they "built" themselves. Now, here is where I start to have some beef. You didn't really "build" a bike if you just put together parts of other bikes. That's called "assembling", not "building". If you start wielding together that frame yourself, well then now we got something.
My alter-hipster ego, "Lauryn", wants to talk.
Now you can't build your fixie with brakes or reflectors, because that is just so like not indie man. It's preferable if you also bike wearing black so that no motorist or pedestrian can see your magnificently cool machine until you're 5 feet away. Be sure to shoot them a dirty look for not seeing you! God, motorists are such assholes. They like, are bad for the environment and stuff and are capitalist.
And they like, drive their cars ALL year man. My mom bought me this Taurus so I don't get frostbite biking in the winter but come on you tools, BIKE AS MUCH AS I DO SO I CAN STOP HARASSING YOU!
Oh, and fixed gears are WAY better than multi-speeds because you like, build them yourself out of other bikes that used to be multi-speed, but yeah, now they're way better because it takes a lot more work to get them up to speed. Where are you in a hurry to get to? YOUR JOB?? Yeah I work part-time at the Jimmy John's and that pays for my bike upgrades (just bought a sweet new colored bike chain!) and the headbands I need. Yeah, I totally pay for my rent, bike and everything with that job. Don't you dare suggest I get money from my parents in the suburbs, GOD!! I also just bought a sticker for it that says "One Less Car", that will really piss off those car-people!
Oh yeah, don't forget about the uniform! You can't be seen biking without your uniform. Be sure to roll up your right pant leg (doesn't matter if the pants are tight, this is the rule), and have a bandana SOMEWHERE on you. You know, you are working hard and need to wipe off your Surly beer-flavored sweat. Get a caribeener from The North Face to put your keys on so people can hear you walking up from 20 feet away. Remember: wallet chains are out, caribeeners are in. And to carry around your iPod/MacBook/Chuck Klosterman book you will need a Timbuk2 or Metro (starts at about $100) brand messenger bag ONLY. Is that a Jansport backpack? You're out of the bike club. Get some more tattoos and money and come back when you're REALLY ready to be indie.
And GOD its not about FASHION its about the MOVEMENT! Now we gotta get going to The Alt so I can make sure my turquoise tires get here in time for Critical Mass!
Yeah man, I totally can't afford rent right now, I just gotta spend like $150 at The Alt first.
This photo is titled "Young angry doctor with axe". I had to include the title so you would be aware that the submitter wanted us to know that this woman is, specifically, a doctor. My doctor is usually a 22-year old with a pink nightie and flip flops, so this makes perfect sense. My doctor is also Kevorkian's sexy granddaughter.
This one is simply titled "Bad Diagnosis". The doctor isn't pictured, but I guess we're to assume that a female doctor is breaking the bad news. Just what is the bad news? Acne? Underbite? Lupus? Grey shirt? The possibilities are endless!
