2010: Looking back at a year that barely mattered

As the twilight of the year sets upon us, I always get a titch nostalgic before I remember that nostalgia is only for old people and people who wear t-shirts with 80s references. Regardless, walking among the whispering snowdrifts and the whispering bushes of Loring Park, I can't help but look back fondly on a year where nothing of great importance happened.


Olympic Games
The year started out with a bang, that bang eminating from my skull after it collided with the tiled kitchen floor after passing out from boredom resultant from watching the Winter Olympics. The countries of the world gathered in peaceful camraderie in Vancouver as a reflection of international cooperation and competitive ice-dancing. Matt Lauer narrated over 3,500 hours of gripping life stories of eastern European athletes. Millions of hipsters reveled in watching curling ironically. After the month-long celebration of peace, everyone joyfully went back to hating each other.

Oil Spill
The most significant thing to happen in American industry in 2010 was caused when Brandon Davis (brother of Rehab star Jason Davis) went for a swim in the gulf. The man himself is responsible for providing hair and body grease for the entire country of Estonia.

This was made infinitely more significant to me by the fact that it began the day I started my job at Sony Pictures. This was endlessly helpful to me, as the 24-hour news cycle constantly provided me with a counter to number the days since the spill, hence the days since I began my job. That 90-day probationary period lasts FOREVER and I got bored of counting the days myself.

World Cup
For a brief month in the hot heaty heat of June, sports fans around the country delighted in pretending to love soccer (aka European football). Team stats for countries that fans had only just learned existed were exchanged with giddy delight over "pints" of "ale" at "pubs". Americans basked in the brief opportunity of being able to watch tanned and waxed European men run around under the sun guilt-free. Some country in Europe won, and millions of newly-minted soccer fans placidly packed away their overpriced official FIFA gear until the next World Cup, content to not talk about soccer for another four years.

Politics
A few heathcare provisions passed, but nobody is happy and nothing else really got done. The People rose up against the unwavering dictatorial powerhouse that is the First Lady, raising a greasy fist against her punishable-by-death mandate that all schoolchildren must drink a quart of wheatgrass every day while reading Critique of Hegel's Philosophy of Right. The will of the fat remains strong. The photo at left shows this tyranny in action.




Lady Gaga
The lady continued to subvert cultural norms by being the most popular and mainstream pop star in the world. She taught us that mass murder is awesome (as long as Tyrese is among those being murdered) and jail is full of hot lesbians who take choreography lessons. She went where no pop star has gone before by fearlessly endorsing Virgin Mobile and HP in studded-leather thongs and bras while empowering her devoted "little monsters" to be themselves. Additionally, she introduced us to the piece of skin right above the thigh and next to the pelvis, which has since been dubbed the "italian triangle" by the New England Journal of Medicine.

What was YOUR favorite 2010 moment?